Dear Sweat Pea,
I think of you often and dream of you too. I’ll be honest when your sister was 7 months old and I saw that positive pregnancy test I cried. I cried because I was shocked, scared, and nervous. I told your daddy that we were pregnant again and he was over the moon! We started referencing you as our little sweet pea from the very beginning. I was right around 4 weeks when we found out about you. As each day passed I relaxed a little more and began to envision you and your sister playing. You and your sister would be 16 months apart and I knew that y’all would be best friends. We fell in love with you.
I remember that day. It was a Friday and I began to bleed. I scoured the internet. Everything telling me that many women experience cramping with severe bleeding. I wasn’t cramping. I tried to remain positive….to make sure my mind didn’t wander to the worst possible scenario.
I called the doctor’s office telling them my symptoms. They told me to keep an eye on it throughout the weekend and call them Monday if it hadn’t stopped. The bleeding continued, but no cramping. I was holding on to that one thing. “I’m not cramping…everything is ok. I’m not cramping,” I kept telling myself.
Monday finally came and I called the doctor back. They were able to fit me in to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech stayed quite. She never called your dad into the room. After she was done she led me and your dad to another room to see the doctor. She didn’t say a word and I was too scared to ask her anything because I didn’t want to know the answer.
When the doctor walked in with the ultrasound pictures he said they couldn’t tell for sure if you were in my belly anymore. They would have to take a blood sample that day, then I would need to be back a couple of days later for them to draw blood again. to see if my hormone levels increased.
After going back Wednesday and doing the second round of blood samples the doctor’s office said they would call me to let me know if my hormone levels increased or decreased. I had hoped that they couldn’t see you on the ultrasound because it was still early. We kept everything a secret because we did not want to make anyone worry until we knew for sure.
I was at work the next day when the nurse called. I shut my door and then the nurse told me I had a miscarriage….and just like that you were gone.
Just like that, you were gone. Gone with a piece of my heart. Gone with my dreams of you.
We only knew about you for a short period of time, but we loved you like we had known you for a lifetime. After my tears subsided, I hurt for all the families that lose a baby much further along in their pregnancies. I hurt for the parents that hear a heartbeat on the monitor and take home that first image of their beautiful baby. I mourn for the families that name their little one and have a room ready for them too. I pray hard for them sweet pea.
I want you to know that you’ve made my life sweeter. Your dad and I have a special bond because of you, and it has led us to be closer to God. Because of you, I hug your sister and brothers a little tighter and hold on a little longer. I always wonder what you would’ve looked like and what your laugh would’ve sounded liked. Until then, keep watching over us baby girl.